@BEEAAARR: Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
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@tuckerflodman: [halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@Monicann86: Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.
@AristotlesNZ: Wife: Maybe its time for "the talk" Me: Ok. Son, cops can't bust you for the drugs you've done, just the drugs you have. Her: Not that talk!