Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
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Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.