Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
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I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.