Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?