@ItsFunnyLife: Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You'll know what I mean.
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@Paige__xxx: Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
@Schmoodles: Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
@WheelTod: [Dark alley at midnight] *Knife-wielding punk approaches Me: “Don't make me do something I might regret...” *Punk sneers & raises knife *I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
@CallmeMrBigs: Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don't care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.