I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
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Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.