I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
You Might Also Like
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.