Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *