I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
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[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Worth a try
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.