Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Breaking news:
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]