Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.