@M3lissaMcDonald: Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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@ShawnHatosy: If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
@stephenjmolloy: "It's beautiful today. Let's work outside." *5 mins later* "This was a terrible idea." *more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
@dorsalstream: I've decided to donate my brain to science. [years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
@ThaJawn: Me: Off to adult school recess! Boss: it's called lunch.. Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands