Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.