roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Cinematography is my passion
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?