Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
It was worth a shot 😂
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
? 💀
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…