Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“I’m helping” 😅
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said