Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.