Roses are red, you always mattered,
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I love it all
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
choose your gary
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.