If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
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NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.