Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
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[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.