I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The French word for sex is croissant.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife