Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?