Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
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me irl
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
my professor scared me for a second
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
sounds kinky. i’m in.