Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”