Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
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me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT