Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.