Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.