Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.