Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*