@causticbob: Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
@MatCro: NURSE: She's in a coma. She's been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
@Book_Krazy: Mom, I'm glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
@Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
"Did u just propose using emojis?"
"Technically its called a propoji, but yes"
[She's already gone]
@JB4Realz: "Easy Come, Easy Go" - My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
@hipstermermaid: Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die