Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
catch me on valentine’s day like
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy