@causticbob: Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
@vmochama: why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?
@PatsHoppedUp: Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant...
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
@TheToddWilliams: [job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
@MUMSIEesq: 3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!
ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*
3YO: I want a snack.
@ChrisScarlette: "just great, I've lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse"
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago