@causticbob: Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
@moxieblogger: If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don't have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
@Jay_FrickinLynn: I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.
@Storminika: My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?' I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'
@juliussharpe: The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.
@goodhairperson: *watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*