Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
You Might Also Like
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight