The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Body by sandwich.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to