Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Breaking news:
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?