Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Girl, same.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives