Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.