Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori