Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
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I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
🤣dope
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’