[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
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[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
he was correct
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
classic mixup
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.