RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
This cat wants you to take your pills
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,