rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.