rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.