The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
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As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
i- i did not expect this
She was REALLY feeling it.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess