We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.