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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
work smarter, not harder
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Batman v Dracula
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.