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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.