RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
it be like that
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper