Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
So sick of all these stupid rules
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.