CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Unimpressed
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO