rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation