#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here