#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
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Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…