#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan